That's What She Said

Damn relationships are hard. Here’s what I’ve learnt from my friends:

1//If you put a sex ad on Gumtree.com you will get replies. In fact one Nordic lass got 1000 replies. In order to maintain an inch of dignity she stated that she would only accept applications from those who submitted a photo. Luckily for her she found an eager beaver. Unfortunately for her it only lasted 30 seconds. I didn’t say it was effective.

2//Go on a date with a stranger who is a little older and therefore (hopefully) wiser than those closer to your age. My housemate did this. She will remain nameless as she didn’t seem as impressed as I was, when she told me her story. Apparently he told her he had ‘complications’ prior to their date. On the date she queried the ‘complications’ to which he replied ‘I’ll tell you later’. After a few complimentary beverages my house-mate had more than likely forgotten 'said' issue and thus was more than happy to commit to a little lip-on-lip action. By the end of the day he decided it was time: ‘Oh, so the complications,’ he said. ‘Yes, do explain,’ she comfortably replied while nestling up against him. He said: ‘I’m married’. She said: ‘What?! How. Do you have children’? He said: ‘Yes’. She said. And it went on like this for a while. He denied having any other ‘extra marital’ relationships and she told him she wouldn’t be his extra bit on the side. She came home steaming. Safe to say it was the highlight of my day. I told her she’d look back on it and laugh. She told me he’d just texted her and asked if they could be friends. Nothing needed to be said. I promised her I wouldn’t write about it. This is a vague recollection that reassembles something someone once told me. Let’s leave it at that.

3//If you meet someone who says he is a photographer be wary. A friend met someone who was a photographer and she took a chance. He said he had a studio and was looking for an intern. She obliged. He told her he’d like to take some photos. The rest is as predictable as night following day. Not long after the flash began she realised that his definition of ‘art’ was a little more than contradictory to her own. She buttoned up her shirt and left.

4//Dating a DJ is difficult. Ladies throw themselves at him while he stands behinds his decks. Friends chastise you for dating the cliché: ‘Of course he’s cheating on you: he’s a DJ’. Eventually the vicious rumours get louder, circling through your cerebral membrane and then bad things start to happen. You get sticky fingers. Eventually your sticky fingers find their way into his travel bag, only to find an assortment of condoms. Your blood boils as you approach the travelling muso; rubbers in hand. Things are said, condoms get thrown about and by this time it’s time for him to catch his plane. Au Revoir.

5//Dating foreigners is always a precarious situation. More often than not if they are a ‘foreigner’ it also means they are ‘temporary’. The second most important thing to ask any possible suitor with an accent is the date of their return. -The first is obviously their name-. Often a plane ticket is the best form of proof; however, this may also lead them to believe you are somewhat insane. Another hot tip is to date those whose grasp of the English language is a little below par. This way it is easier to worm your way out of sticky situations – just blame it on the language barrier.

Relationships: a metaphorical notion of ‘self-harming’. Cuts me deep but feels oh so good.

But sometimes the language barrier makes them all the more endearing. They're like aliens walking around with their eyes closed. He asks:'Do you wanna spoon'? You sit up confused at the prospect of him actually understanding this colloquial term and request repetition. He points to the pillow and says: 'Spoon'... You say: 'Yes'.

Photo: FFFound