Monday, 19 October 2009

The Blood Destined for his Brain is Greedily Diverted South

I never really thought I understood guys and then come the end of university, it was only three years, I started collecting a whole bunch of ‘em. Wow that indicates all sorts of sordid behaviour – I mean I began making a lot of guy friends! Anyway, it became this whole learning experience. But do you know what I learned? I learnt that everything that you think about boys before you really know anything about them – is true. Yes, they do think with their (insert appendage here) and the less clothes you wear the more attention you’ll get. Big boobs? Yep, majority of ‘em love them two. It’s pretty simple. I guess you hope for more depth. You yearn for something of substance and so you choose to believe the contrary. If a guy pays you attention, he doesn’t want to be your friend helping you collect daisies from the prairie. He wants to collect your daisy. So with this sage knowledge in tow I continued on my journey.

Last July I went to Germany’s Melt! Festival with a whole bunch of people. I’d been the previous year and decided that this was the festival I would try and attend every single year of my life. Big call I know, but exaggeration helps create the mood – so stick with me. The second time around there was one extra element which was absent the first time; a boy. Boys always make everything more exciting, don’t get me wrong I love my ladies, but boys just add the extra something something.

So I met this guy Flo, Flo was from Switzerland he was 24 and it was his first time at Melt! Festival. Fortunately for him we met on the train ride there; a perfect opportunity for me to cosy up beside him and give him lowdown on the impending musical foray. Flo was very obliging and it was then I knew that this year would be a little bit different to the first. Unfortunately we lost contact while searching for tent territory but soon enough we were back in each other’s tent-icles..get it... sigh. We hung out quite a bit over the three days; he’d leave his friends to come and chill with mine and when the gates opened we’d accompany one another. Come the second day and after consulting my ‘guide to boys’ (a metaphorical guide, obviously) we were sitting on the outside seats in front of the main-stage and it seemed the perfect moment to make a move. So I did.

I made the first move and I was greeted with an open orifice. However, it wasn’t my lips that were fortunate enough to be on the receiving end, it was my ears. He laughed at my open mouth, before requesting that I not be annoyed; the nerve! He explained that he was in love with some girl back in Zurich and he’d promised himself he wouldn’t be with anyone else. But that was before he met me. [He didn’t say that – the voice inside my head said that while he was blabbing on about Julia or Sophie or whatever her name was].

It wasn’t so much the rejection that bothered me it was the mixed signals. Jesus. He wanted to hang out with me, just me and him – what else would he want? My friendship? I thought he just wanted to get in my pants! What the. And it was at this moment that I realised everything I learned from my stupid guy friends was WRONG! Listening to their conversations and explanations as to why guys do the things that they do was a whole load of crock! But to be fair, I will say that there are a large percentage of guys who meet the criteria listed out by my male chums. The blood destined for his brain is greedily diverted south. Meeting Flo made me realise that there are some ‘good’ guys as well; these well-adjusted boys who share my belief that guys and girls CAN just be amigos. However, I guess it only took him a good ten minutes to realise he had the opportunity ‘to pull’ and all of a sudden what’s her face was merely a figment of his, and my, imagination.

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I am more than prone to monologues; however, this is solely due to the manner in which they compliment a witty anecdote and their ability to resemble concrete evidence when it is so obviously lacking. I often wish I could emulate that aloof character who coolly stands in the corner smiling mysteriously as if she has a secret. However, I fear resisting the temptation to involve myself in other people’s conflicts and responding through body language rather than verbose banter may come across as contrived and arrogant. And, I am not willing to take that chance.

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