Saturday, 8 May 2010

Naomi Campbell and Co. Body Facists

Although ubiquitous super-model Naomi Campbell went on Opera and blamed her aggressive stints on a "type of emotional disorder … an abandonment issue" it seems others speculate a more obvious answer. One which is oh so synonymous with the lady's chosen 'career' path. It seems Miss Campbell's diet has some answering to do.

Three times a year the leggy super-model goes on a strict syrup diet. That's right syrup. But unfortunately for her there isn't any light, fluffy, pancakes involved. You know the one's that literally melt butter? Well forget about it. The "Maple Syrup" diet involves drinking syrup mixed with cayenne pepper, lemon juice and water. And voila eventually after a long and arduous journey you too can be skin and bones. Unfortunately no amount of sugared water is going to make you into a Lucy Leggy. You'll have to take that one up with your genes.

Bootylicious singer Beyonce also swears by the diet with an added laxative tea in the evening and lukewarm sea-salt water in the morning. Follow her method and you too can lose the body mass of a small child. To see what we prepared earlier please refer to her film "Dream Girls".
For 10 (assumedly) torturous months Art Director Charles Saatchi lived off eggs along. For Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner he had nothing but the spheroid shaped cell and as a result lost 80 pounds. We're sure his wife Nigella Lawson, famous for her 'knack' for cooking was very inspired.

Campbell, Saatchi & Knowles are not the only contenders on this lack lustrous expedition. Yet they were one of the very few brave enough to speak out. To raise their voice against the tide of hush. Let's each raise a glass of laxative tea to our courageous soldiers who show us "not what to do".

Chin Chin.

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I am more than prone to monologues; however, this is solely due to the manner in which they compliment a witty anecdote and their ability to resemble concrete evidence when it is so obviously lacking. I often wish I could emulate that aloof character who coolly stands in the corner smiling mysteriously as if she has a secret. However, I fear resisting the temptation to involve myself in other people’s conflicts and responding through body language rather than verbose banter may come across as contrived and arrogant. And, I am not willing to take that chance.

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